


Chat Gris

by CaughtFeelings



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Alya is the best wingman, Aoyama will not stop twinkling, Bakugo is an Akuma, Chat Noir Ships Lukanette, Christian Gray, Crack, Disney just bought the Miracuverse, European Union Smash, F/M, Gen, Leather catsuit, Lucky Charm, Master Fu Is Playing This One Level Higher Than You, Miraculous Ladybug Love Square, My Hero Academia cameos, Nadja Chamack Has No Sense of Boundaries, Oglaf - Freeform, Radiant - Carefree - Dreamy, The Bee Signal, The Glaciator Rooftop Scene, The Ladyblog, Tiny Gods spare us from Deku & Plagg, Umbrella, Yes Best Jeanist is that petty, le grand paris, super penguino
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 21:02:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18786148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaughtFeelings/pseuds/CaughtFeelings
Summary: In which everyone is too busy Freaking Out About Sex to pay attention to the Akuma.Also, no sex actually happens, but it's alluded to/threatened, and the teenagers are 15, which is legally of age in France but offends my American sensibilities. Please proceed with caution.





	1. The Smut

_“I don’t care how much I love you!” she screamed, trying to drown out the sound of her beeping Miraculous. She hung, bound, from her yo-yo, held completely helpless by more than just his smile this time. She didn’t have long and was running out of ideas. “I won’t give them to anyone! EVEN TO YOU-”_

_“Then I have a decision, purred her partner, the purple shadow of Hawkmoth’s Akumatization glowing around his mask. “Whether to use my Cataclysm-” he paused as the gray and purple energy activated around his Akumatized ring, of COURSE it would be the ring- “on your heart, or on your CLOTHES-”_

 

* * *

 

 “Well, that was a zoo, and I’m telling you, it was a world-class menagerie! Prince Ali, fabulously, Ali Akuma, strong as 10 regular men though he may be, turns out much stronger by far, were our Ladybug and Chat Noir, and the weirdest yet Lucky Charm on Prince Ali! Until next time, Paris.”

Alya grinned, submitting her latest vlog. On habit, she checked her community submissions.

 _Well, this doesn’t read like something of Marc’s at all,_ she thought.

Ladynoir romance fanfic had been such a popular category of the community submissions she had created a separate tab to keep the front page news-related, and when that photo atop Montparnasse Tower dropped, the evidence that Ladybug and Chat Noir were a couple was conclusive. Paris had been getting increasingly creative with their storytelling since then. _Biting black and purple spots_ , indeed.

Alya checked the community guidelines she had set up for the fanfic page of the Ladyblog. This met them. She checked the IP address- not a known contributor, no one to attribute the anonymous submission to. She smiled widely, and, whispering a quiet “Mirage!” to herself, she added a little foxtail and approved the submission.

She wondered what Nino was up to tonight, and sent off a quick email to Marc to request another Rena Rouge/Carapace love story.

 

* * *

 

 Nino received a push notification that there was new content on the Ladyblog, and opened the link. He read the first line, and then closed the window and moved on with his life. Ladybug and Chat Noir were his friends. Whether Chat Noir indeed had a _sandpaper tongue_ , and what he and Ladybug did with it, was none of his business.

He did, however, spend the rest of the night thinking about the foxiest girl he knew.

 

* * *

 

Chloé Bourgeois had absolutely no idea how a beautiful, talented girl like her could possibly catch a break these days.

Bad enough that her favorite punching bag suddenly and out of nowhere grew a backbone. Bad enough that the year Adrien’s father finally started letting him go to school was the year he out of nowhere started pushing back on her innocent little displays of dominance. Bad enough that suddenly there was a supervillain running around Paris, making it his personal mission to ruin her hair, destroy her wardrobe, and smash every cosmetic in her vanity. It had hardly mattered that Ladybug and her sidekick restored the damage they did- she still had to deal with the psychological trauma of every Akuma attack, and the knowledge that with every new Akuma, chances were better than not that they would come pick on her some more. She had thought it was finally her time to shine, when her mother was back in town right when she found a Miraculous of her own, and then suddenly everyone could see where that had gone. She had had the entire city in the palm of her hand, and then, gradually, she didn’t any more, and that was just ridiculous.

And then, on some random Tuesday out of the blue, Jean-Claude pulled up the limo to drop her off at school and Sabrina wasn’t there to take her book bag.

She huffed murderously, slogging her own book bag in to school like a pack mule, ready to rip Sabrina apart with a lecture about what friendship was even for, but it had less effect than she would have expected. Everyone was talking animatedly, but nobody even looked at her. Ordinarily she could find someone, even if it was Kim, to carry her bag for her, but nothing.

She registered Adrien and Nino over by the stairs, Adrien moving gingerly as if that last photo shoot had sprained something and looking wrung out, Nino being as useless as he was moronic. And then Marinette had one of her weird muscle spasms that she got around Adrien and nearly fell on him, which would have completely derailed the next shoot because there was only so much concealer and Photoshop could do, and that was a tragedy.

Nathaniel had his arm around Marc, who had the hood of his hoodie up and was folding into himself. Nathaniel was clearly angry about something, and trying to get the large crowd of people surrounding them to leave them alone. Had they finally announced that they were a couple, was that it? God, people needed to learn to mind their own business.

She finally found Sabrina, clutching her hands together, talking to Alya Cesaire and Lila Rossi. There was little that could have derailed her in her quest of righteous vengeance.

The words “Akumatized Chat Noir” would do the job.

Chloé turned immediately and called for Jean-Paul, flashing her diamond-encrusted phone. If Chat Noir was Akumatized, that made perfect sense for the buzz. “Jean-Luc? Who was the last Akuma?”

“Hello Mlle. Bourgeois, that would be Prince Ali, with his sixty elephants, llamas galore, with his bears and lions, a brass band and more. He had forty fakirs, and cooks and bakers, and birds that warbled on key! They went past Le Grand Paris last night, I’m surprised that Young Miss did not hear them.”

Well, that made sense. If Hawkmoth had managed to Akumatize Chat Noir, he probably wouldn't show it off immediately, and it wouldn’t have been an easy fight for Ladybug, which meant that the fight was either happening RIGHT NOW or hadn’t happened yet. If Chat Noir was transformed, Ladybug probably would be, too. And it would be a very difficult fight, which would mean that Ladybug needed backup.

Queen Bee was going to make herself very, very easy to find. Who knows? Maybe Chat Noir would mess up badly enough this time that Ladybug would be able to recognize Queen Bee as a far superior candidate to be her partner and not just a sidekick.

“Drive me back to Le Grand Paris, Jean-Jacques. And call Principal Damocles and let him know we need to use my special superheroing attendance accomodation today.”

“Queen Bee, based on security footage, we have determined that you can make it back to Le Grand Paris in 30% of the time that the limousine can, even with the special accommodations Officer Raincomprix offers to us. Do you have cargo or passengers requiring the use of a vehicle?”

“I’m not transformed yet, I need speed. Bring the Tsurugi.”

She barely had time to register her daddy giving another one of his speeches on the front steps before she whipped past, scanning her key card at the elevator to take her to her private deck on the roof. She didn’t need to check her perfect hair, but she did anyway, and took a deep breath. She turned on the Bee Signal. The bell chimed as the door opened.

She was as mentally Queen Bee as she could be without Pollen the moment she stepped on to the deck. She posed dramatically.

“Okay, Ladybug,” she breathed. “I’m here. I’m right here. Notice me.”

Ladybug wasn’t there at first. Okay. That’s fine. Heroes made the most powerful Akumas. She could wait. Chat Noir didn’t have to wait for Ladybug to come get him before he could transform, which meant that he got to keep his Kwami and Miraculous. For an opportunity to be Ladybug’s partner permanently, to be Queen Bee whenever she wanted, she would wait.

She waited a minute.

She waited two minutes.

She waited until her arms started to hurt from posing dramatically. She didn’t want to be caught off guard. First impressions matter.

Maybe Ladybug hadn’t seen the Bee Signal, and had gone to the school first.

She held her pose as long as she possibly could, but gave up around the ten minute mark, sighing and sitting down on her lounger to take out her phone.

“Well,” she thought, “might as well check the Ladyblog, maybe that amateur Alya actually has something I can use. It’s beneath me to actually go to the fight untransformed, but it’s not like I have a cover to blow, and if I actually rescue Ladybug, she’s bound to see my potential.”

One article clearly stood out as the one everyone was talking about now, so she clicked it and began to read.

Chloé Bourgeois was suddenly very grateful for the privacy. She hit the app on her phone to turn off the Bee Signal, and bit her perfect lower lip. She read. She smiled, She smiled more.

And then, for some reason, she thought of Adrikins, too nice to tell any of the peasants constantly trying to surround him that he was out of their league, too anxious not to disappoint his father to ask for anything for himself. The boy was clearly over-committed and, as much as spending time with her clearly recharged him, he needed the extra love today. She hit the little arrow on the article and forwarded it to him, with a note that said “saw this, thought of you."  He loved a good Ladynoir fanfic more than anyone else she knew. She was a great friend.


	2. The Meltdown

Adrien began his day, as always, with a long shower. He brushed his teeth, put on the black tee, white button-down, and jeans that Gabriel contractually required him to wear as long as their current ads were out, and tucked his phone in his pocket. He woke his grumbling Kwami, tucked a wedge of camembert into his bag, and sat at the huge, quiet dinner table. He ate a small, nutritious breakfast as Nathalie read him his schedule and his most recent piano recital played softly in the background. He smiled politely at the Gorilla, who drove him to a morning photo shoot, then off to school, where Marinette was uncomfortable around him and he tried his best to be approachable and normal, and was distressingly unsuccessful. At noon exactly, when everyone else went to lunch, he met his Chinese tutor, then went to fencing, where he tucked Plagg away in his locker, where he trounced every other fencer and then took his beatings from Kagami. At three, the Gorilla texted him to let him know he was outside. It was an exhausting, normal, orderly day in Adrien’s exhausting, orderly life.

But after he glanced at the text from the Gorilla, he noticed he had also received one from Chloé. He opened it. “Thought of you.” She probably wanted to go shopping again. That was nice of her, but after seeing most designer clothes several days before they hit the runway, he mostly just went to spend time with her. He smiled, and opened the attachment.

What.

There was always going to be a soft spot in his heart for Ladynoir fanfics because of course they would because he was Chat Noir and was head over heels for his Bugaboo and ever since that kiss HOW COULD HE HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT KISS that came out live on Face to Face with Nadya Chamack he had been saving every passing memento of something that could be cobbled together into her loving him back and then the OTHER KISS from the fight with Oblivio had been the home screen on his phone and then Chloé saw it and now she was sending him fan works but what Adrien considered a romance and what Chloé considered a romance were obviously very different and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings because he knew she meant well but this was the kind of thing he had to be in a certain mood for and was always very awkward about for a while afterwards because as much as Ladybug was the most beautiful and brave and smart girl in the world to him he would really prefer remembering kissing her before they got to any of the more _advanced_ stuff and oh no Nathalie had given him a Very Strict Talk about condoms and baby mommas and child support and how sex was fine but the Agreste Family could not and would not have bastard children running around because the tabloids and the scandal and if he thought he had no privacy when everyone loved him just wait until everyone hated him and of course they would hate him because he would be a teenager with a sex tape and he saw exactly how it would go down when it happened to XY and did he really want that with himself and oh no, everyone would find out who he was, it would not be a bastard child at all it would be illegitimate, because even though Ladybug would be very aware it was Chat Noir putting that baby in her she would not be able to not recognize an Agreste baby coming out because it’s not like the newborn would have a goddamn mask and oh no, Ladybug wouldn’t be able to give birth transformed, which meant he wouldn’t be able to be there for the birth of his child, which would make him the deadbeat father of an illegitimate child of some mystery woman who would probably never want anything to do with him again and that was the opposite of everything he wanted for his family and what if they’re like _kittens_ , he’s fifteen he’s not responsible enough to take care of one baby let alone quintuplets and unless Ladybug was much older than she looked she probably wasn’t either oh no he’s fifteen and if he doesn’t know who she is he certainly doesn’t know how old she is and he could guess she was ballpark fifteen that was the lowest possible age of consent and what if his Akuma was a statutory rapist because he and Ladybug had made contingency plans for what happened if one of them ever got Akumatized of course, it wasn’t a huge leap from one of those quizzes on the Ladyblog for “Akumatize Me” to acknowledge that they were both humans and there was solid evidence that heroes could still be Akumatized and it was only a matter of time and being very very careful to avoid accidents in the meantime, and he had been far too much of an Otaku to imagine himself as anything other than the mostly-animal, evil side of Destruction, “Chat Blanc,” _this_ possibility seemed entirely too plausible, and even though he didn’t recognize himself under that mask, it was more like Christian Gray from that book he tried to read when he was trying to teach himself to be romantic and then had dropped as if it had bitten him, it’s not like Akumas behaved like people in their right minds anyway, but oh my God, it didn’t get to be a bestseller by accident after all, what if that’s what women wanted?

He spared a moment to think about Nino and Alya, in sweet domestic bliss. And then his brain twisted it, and suddenly, that game of Super Penguino turned into something much more violent.

Maybe that’s what *Ladybug* wanted? _Chat Gris?_ If Akumas were twisted wish fulfillment at the moment you were most vulnerable, it was horrifyingly possible that if Ladybug didn’t love him back- he felt sick, but he made himself consider it- if she got together with that boy she liked, or if she didn’t want him anyway- if Chat Gris was possible, maybe she would like him better like that? And when he finished hurting her, because no matter how much the author had insisted that this Ladybug had wanted this whole experience even though she was clearly screaming otherwise, Chat Gris was clearly hurting her, and once this Ladybug had won, because it’s Ladybug and of course she would, once she purified the Akuma- would he even remember that any of this had happened? Akumas woke up with amnesia. Had it already happened, and he had no idea? Bad enough finding out he didn’t remember his first kiss, and seeing it third-person on primetime TV- could he have forgotten something like _this_? Had it happened more than once? Was she making it happen more than once on purpose? Was he rejecting him when he was himself because she preferred him when he wasn’t?

He was far too occupied with his nervous meltdown to notice the tiny, unnaturally purple butterfly sneak in under the door. Even though it kept close to the floor, it was very, very obvious it was headed straight for his crotch.

 

* * *

 

 I’M EXPERIENCING SOME DELICIOUS INTERNAL STRIFE. A ROMANTIC MAN FEELING TRAPPED INTO BEING DARK BEYOND IMAGINING, FOR THE HEART OF SOMEONE HE LOVES BUT IS OUT OF HIS REACH. I, TOO, KNOW THAT STRUGGLE- PERHAPS WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER? ALL I NEED IS A LITTLE SOMETHING IN RETURN. FLY AWAY, MY EVIL LITTLE AKUMA, AND EVILIZE-”

“Ahem.”

Hawkmoth turned, more offended than he could ever remember being. “DO YOU MIND?”

Nathalie Sancoeur stood in the doorway, tablet in hand, silent.

“IF THIS IS ABOUT THE COLLABORATION WITH TSUNAGU, TELL HIM HE CAN RESCHEDULE OR HE CAN FIND A NEW EUROPEAN PARTNERSHIP, I’M BUSY-”

Staring resolutely at her tablet, and with no emotion in her voice at all, Nathalie began to read.

_“I want to hear you mewl my name.”_

_“No,” she said, “You’re not alone right now, I’m not going to let Hawkmoth hear it-”_

_He rocked forward against her, pinning her in place, and began to unbuckle his belt. She wanted it across her ass. “I won’t tell you again. What’s my name? Or should I tell him yours first?”_

Hawkmoth stared at his assistant, profoundly uncomfortable.

“Sir. You have a unique opportunity before you. I believe that, based on the activity of the Ladyblog today, the person most likely to be experiencing these emotions is likely to be Chat Noir. On the one hand, Akumatizing him guarantees that you will obtain the Miraculous of the Cat, and makes the Miraculous fo the Ladybug closer than ever before. However, I must remind you that, as long as you possess an Akuma, you share their eyes and their ears. And, if you wish to utilize this particular emotion, battle data indicates that you should consider the work that inspired it to be prophecy. If you obtain the earrings today, chances are very good that it will be because your Akumatized Chat Noir will have fucked them off her. You will be in his head the entire time. So, sir. When you say that you would stop at nothing- do you mean it?”

There was a moment of silence.

“WHAT THE HELL, LADYBLOGGER. THAT WAS IRRESPONSIBLE”.

Across the city, a very handsome boy looked down and, far too late, noticed the butterfly hovering above his lap. But before he had a chance to fall backwards or scream, a red and black polka-dotted yo-yo zipped forward and caught it. And Adrien Agreste looked up into his favorite bluebell eyes, and fainted.

 

* * *

 

“Trixx, let’s hide.”

The tiny Kwami emerged from his necklace, cackling. “Master Fu, while that was a delightful prank to play on Hawkmoth, I’m not really certain why we did. Are you just trolling him, or…?”

“Miraculous wielders are susceptible to being Akumatized,” he said, putting the necklace back into the Miracle Box. “Hawkmoth needs reasons to not attempt it, and I have been doing this far longer than he has. Eat up, my friend; I will call on Wayzz again when you have had your fill, but you have earned this feast.”


	3. The Rescue

Someone was gently stroking his hair.

He leaned into it, breathing slowly and deeply. It was nice. His mom had done this, when he was little, but nobody had been there to stroke his hair in years.

“Welcome back.”

He didn’t want to open his eyes yet. “Why am I out?” Chat Noir asked. “I don’t remember getting hit by an Akuma.”

“You weren’t, thankfully,” Ladybug said, not stopping petting his hair. “I was in the neighborhood and managed to catch it in time.”

Cold reality washed over Adrien like a detransformation, ruining the petting. He hadn’t taken a hit from an Akuma heroically defending his lady. He had almost _been_ the Akuma. He sat up. There was a soft look in Ladybug’s eyes, that was probably pity.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and meant it. “I’ll try to be better.”

She sighed. “It’s never someone’s fault when they get Akumatized,” Ladybug said gently. “Strong emotions are a part of being human. Part of what makes Hawkmoth evil is that he preys on normal, healthy ways of processing strong emotions before the people experiencing the have a chance to resolve them on their own. Chat Noir and I will defeat him, and save those people, Every. Single. Time., but if you’re experiencing that strong of a negative emotion, you could probably use a friend. Do you want to talk about it?”

She didn’t know, he thought, with a wave of nausea. It was the right thing to do, to tell her. But he couldn’t, not without explaining why it was so upsetting, and why it was so personal to him. If he lost her like this, he lost her both ways, and Paris kept its superheroes but lost its superhero team, and he had seen far too much anime to not know what happened next.

“I’d actually rather talk about literally anything else,” he said.

 

* * *

 

 The Gorilla waited by the curb for five hours.

At sundown, his young charge finally appeared, out of breath, coming from the opposite direction of the school. “I’m so sorry,” he exclaimed. “Ladybug saved me from an Akuma, but then we got to talking and lost track of time. I should have let you know what happened. Have you been waiting here all this time?”

The Gorilla frowned and said nothing. They drove home in silence.

Gabriel waited at the top of the stairs. Adrien looked at his face, and quailed, stepping slightly behind the Gorilla.

“There you are,” the elder Agreste said with more ice than absolutely necessary, in the Gorilla’s opinion. “I would ask whether you had mistaken your 4 PM with our guests for their local time zone, but it’s in the wrong direction. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was for _Gabriel_ that its star model failed to arrive? Your understudy _refused_ to stop twinkling. It was completely off brand.”

“I’m sorry,” Adrien said. “There was almost an Akuma.”

“It is deeply unprofessional to blame Akumas for every commitment you wish to neglect,” Gabriel said. “If the Akumas- which are daily occurrences, a responsible person learns to plan around them- are such an obstacle to your meeting your obligations, you will be withdrawn from school and remain within the mansion where they will have less geographic opportunity to interrupt your day. Your photo shoot has been rescheduled for tomorrow morning; I suggest you rest well.”

He turned and left.

The Gorilla walked Adrien to his room, as was their custom when Adrien had been grounded. But he stood at the door for Adrien’s privacy, not for Gabriel’s orders.

Sure enough, as soon as the door closed, a hushed conversation.

“He knows, Plagg.”

“There’s no possible way.”

“Something was off. I don’t know what.”

“Yeah, almost like you ditched a very expensive photo shoot and embarrassed him in front of an international collaborator.”

“I ditch plenty of photo shoots, Plagg. He knows that someone is writing smut about me and he’s figuring out what to do about it. I haven’t felt this violated since Lila took that picture.”

“Nobody has done anything to you. Somebody had a dirty fantasy and decided to share it.”

“Have you had any female Chosen?”

“Nuh-uh. Absolutely not. I am not giving you love advice unless you give me more expensive cheese than what’s normally in the fridge, and then my love advice will be how to love on that cheese.”

“Well, I don’t exactly have anyone else I can ask. Chloe is just going to call me a prude. I _absolutely do not_ want to know this kind of thing about Nino and Alya. And the only other person I’m close to enough that I can ask this kind of thing is Marinette-

“Ugh, can I at least finish this wedge before we have to transform again?”

“Is it true that single people give the best romance advice? Well, at least no one is writing smutty fanfiction about Chat Noir and Marinette.”

A flash of green light, and then silence.

The Gorilla smiled to himself. He could deflect some attention from this room for a while, if necessary.


	4. The Confession

“Wow, Tikki, that was so much closer of a call than I was ready for,” Marinette said, flopping facedown onto her bed with a groan.

“But you were ready for it!” Tikki exclaimed. “I’m proud of you, Marinette. You’re doing a great job of paying attention to when people are getting upset. If you keep it up, Hawkmoth will have a lot fewer Akumas- and Paris will be happier, too!”

“But what do I do when I can’t pay attention?” Marinette said into her pillow. “I can’t be everywhere at once, and sometimes Akumas are born when I’m asleep or doing something else. Maybe I’m just stopping the ones closest to the school- not that basically everyone hasn’t been Akumatized anyway, some people have been done twice. And what if Hawkmoth figures out where the Ladybug Rapid Response Team gets to first, and figures out who I am? Or at least where I’m likely to be?”

“Then he’s much more likely to think that Ladybug is wherever the Akumas are more likely to form,” Tikki said firmly. “And it doesn’t matter if you can’t catch every Akuma early. Every single person you can save without a fight is a victory in their own right. And I’m sure it doesn’t hurt that it was Adrien who was the first one, does it?”

“Oh, my Gosh, Tikki,” said Marinette, getting up and going to the window for air. “And with _Adrien_ too! I don’t think I would have been ready to fight him. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to fight him.”

“You might have to get familiar with that reality, just in case,” Tikki said, as seriously as she could.

“I’m sorry, but Ladybug might have to just sit that one out. If Adrien gets Akumatized, Chat Noir might be on his own for that one.”

“Not possible,” came a voice from the window. “My Lady always has my back, and I’m glad; if you’re talking about Adrien Agreste, and I have to fight his Akuma by myself, he’d kick my butt basically before the fight even began. Nobody’s happier than I am that Ladybug caught that Akuma today and avoided the whole situation.”

Icy shock ran down Marinette’s back, and Tikki dove for hiding into the pillows. “What are you doing out there?”

“The thing about strays,” Chat Noir responded, “Is that if you ever feed them, you don’t have a stray any more, you have a cat. I’ve had a rough day. Can I have a cookie?”

“It depends,” Marinette said, her hand on the window latch. “How much did you hear?”

“Just the last bit,” he responded. “Something about Ladybug not being available for fights. Did… did you hear something about that on the Ladyblog or something?”

“No, not in particular,” Marinette said. “Hold on, let me go grab some snacks. Anything in particular?”

“Anything,” he said. “I’m mostly just here because I need your opinion about an awkward question, but trust me, we’re going to need cookies. Can you meet me out on the balcony with them?”

“Yeah, just a minute,” Marinette said, leaving the window open and walking towards the trapdoor. She considered asking Tikki to check the Ladyblog- was something happening there today? Alya had been very excited, probably about the seventy-five golden camels- but there was no way to do it with a reasonable degree of privacy, so she decided it could wait. Downstairs, she grabbed a dozen macarons off the cooling racks, and, on a whim, some raspberry lemonade. If this had Chat Noir rattled enough to ask for advice, it would probably call for lemonade.

He was fidgeting with his ring when she came back. “Eat,” she told him, and he grabbed the passionfruit one. His shoulders visibly relaxed as he chewed. “Marinette, you’re one of my favorite people,” he said, relishing it.

“You’re just saying that because I feed you,” she teased. “So, what’s on your mind?”

He took a minute to pour himself some lemonade. “Do you remember that conversation we had right before Glaciator attacked?”

_“Close your eyes and hold on tight, okay?”_

_Flying. It should have been terrifying, flying without her yo-yo, flying without her suit to protect her from harm- but it wasn’t. He leaped from building to building so smoothly, she felt completely secure- and with her eyes closed, she could just feel the wind as they leaped, the slight tickle of his hair and the way his muscles moved._

_He landed softly, set her down like she was made of glass, like she was made of clouds. “Just give me a minute.”_

_A moment alone, waiting._

_“All right, you can open your eyes now.”_

_A rooftop. On the banisters, pillar candles, clear they had been burning for hours. Little rosettes, clearly handmade, decorated alternating ones. Rose petals on the ground. A table, set for two._

“I don’t think I could ever forget it,” she said, and meant it.

He gave her a Cheshire smile, easily one of his biggest ones, and completely ruined the moment. “Aw. You do still like me.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Chaton,” Marinette said, “You had your chance, I’ve moved on.”

“That’s… kinda why I’m here,” Chat Noir said, and downed his lemonade in one go.

 _Oh, no,_ Marinette thought. “Do… you, like me? Are we going to have to go through Papa Garou again, but backwards?”

“You’re one of the cutest girls I know, Marinette,” he said, “but my heart will always belong to my Lady.” His smile faltered. “But I’m starting to wonder whether she will ever love me back, and it’s killing me. And as much as she talks about some mystery other man, I have to start to wonder- is she trying to let me down gently? Is there something wrong with me?”

Guilt hit Marinette like a particularly nasty Akuma. “There is nothing wrong with you, Chat Noir,” she said, channeling as much Tikki as possible. “You are brave and handsome and have a great personality and with a little work, you could even be funny.”

“But that sounds… like a great friend. Like an ideal friend, really. Do girls fall in love with guys like me? Don’t they want them to be manly and rugged and smell like testosterone and Old Spice?”

_Blond hair. Green eyes. “It’s all sort of, new, to me.”_

“I don’t know about that,” Marinette said softly. “The boy I love isn’t like that. He’s handsome, of course, but he’s also sweet, and gentle, and kind. He supports me when I’m feeling uncertain, and encourages me when I need a little boost. I believe in myself that much more because he believes in me.”

There was a weird energy around Chat Noir, as if his entire body had a low-level Cataclysm building ever so slowly. “Luka Couffaine is a blind idiot for not noticing you,” he said, with more menace in his voice than she had ever heard, “and I don’t know whether to murder him for the insult, or gift wrap him and leave him on your balcony.”

Marinette laughed uncomfortably. “It’s not Luka,” she said, “although he’s very nice, too, and deserves to be with someone who feels about him how I feel about this other boy. But the one I’m talking about is actually someone from my class. I sit right behind him. The first day I met him, he gave me his umbrella on the way home from school, even though I only live across the street. I still have it. It’s exactly like every other black umbrella, but time stopped for me, when he gave it to me. And it’s been moving strangely for me ever since, whenever I’m around him. I stutter, I stumble, I blush. But he always gives me the benefit of the doubt. I designed a hat that he ended up modeling, and even though he’s allergic to feathers, he was so proud of me when it was selected. I tried to save him when he got caught sneaking out of the house without permission, and even though I wound up across the Internet in a towel and my pajamas, we got to go to the movies together, which was kinda a date? I entered a video game contest I didn’t even need to be in, just to play with him- and I gave him a lucky charm, to help us win. He gave me one back, for my birthday. There’s been a lot of moments like those, actually! I found a love poem he had thrown in the trash, and wrote him back in a heart-shaped card, but I forgot to sign it! And there was a weird mix-up where I tried to write him another love letter before he left on a train for London, but I gave him the wrong piece of paper by mistake. But there’s been enough almost-dates and close misses, a dance at Chloé’s party, a Jagged Stone concert, a movie premiere, that when you squint at it, it could look like a relationship. But it’s not. He’s so soft, and sweet, and kind, and I just can’t manage to tell him how I feel.”

Marinette stopped, breathed.

Chat Noir was quiet.

She looked at him.

He stared back. 

“Oh, no,” Marinette said. “You know who he is.”

He nodded.

“The picture in the fountain?”

“Kinda a lot of things, actually.”

“Promise me you won’t tell him. Let me tell him when I’m ready.”

He opened his mouth as if to say something, but the bomb that leveled Collège Françoise Dupont and rocked the bakery caught his words, and she hit the floor. He covered her with his body, protecting her head.

“WHAT?” she shouted, over the sirens. 

“I’LL MAKE YOU A DEAL,” he said, army-crawling towards the trapdoor. “GET DOWNSTAIRS WHERE IT’S SAFE. LET ME HANDLE THIS, AND I PROMISE I’LL NEVER TELL A SOUL.”

“BUT WAIT, CHAT, I CAN’T, I-”

He opened the trapdoor, then gestured. “Some Akumas are basically harmless. I  can protect you from ninety-five white Persian monkeys, so you and your friend Alya can watch and take pictures and whatever you want. That’s all in good fun. This is not a safe Akuma. That was a bomb. If you don’t stay safe tonight,” he hissed in her ear, “I swear on my pretty gold bell I will personally swing past Adrien Agreste’s window before the night is through and whoop that Marinette Dupain-Cheng loves him loud enough that the whole household will hear it.”

The chill down Marinette’s spine was more than enough to offset the heat from the explosion. “You mangy cat, you wouldn’t-”

He pointed down the trapdoor more insistently. Defeated, she went inside, and he was gone.

“That sounded like fun,” Tikki said slyly.

“Hawkmoth might have fewer Akumas,” Marinette said, “But he couldn’t have sent this one a minute and a half earlier? Tikki, spots on!”


	5. The Akuma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you’d like a musical tie-in:
> 
>  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVWERU_xY6I
> 
> Also, the Akuma is dropping F-bombs instead of other swears, but the most devastating bomb of the evening is dropped by Nadja Chamack, who has absolutely zero sense of boundaries.

ARSONAL, I AM HAWKMOTH. YOU COULD BURN AS  BRIGHT AS THE SUN, BUT INSTEAD YOU ARE DRAGGED HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITH A MENTOR YOU DO NOT RESPECT. YOU ARE ITCHING FOR A FIGHT. DEFEAT LADYBUG AND CHAT NOIR AND BRING ME THEIR MIRACULOUSES, AND THE WORLD WILL TREMBLE AT YOUR FEET.

Red eyes narrowed. “You’re that damn maniac Best Jeanist was bitching about, aren’t you. How about you piss off?”

Hawkmoth rubbed his temples. Fashion was far more cutthroat than he had realized.

I AM NOT A DAMNED MANIAC. I AM A MISUNDERSTOOD GENIUS, AND YOU ARE A DISRESPECTFUL BRAT. FINE. I SAW SOMETHING TRULY SPECIAL IN YOU, BUT I WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

“How about this, Hawkass? I kick Ladybug and Chat Noir’s asses, without your pansy butterfly bullshit, and then you challenge me anytime, anywhere. Take your stupid goddamn jewelry off my cold, dead, exploding hands, I freaking dare you. And if you’re as much of a chicken as I think you are, and you don’t do it in time, I take them the hell back to Japan and you take a freaking field trip and come and get them. But we’re not the weak morons running around Paris calling themselves heroes. I know someone who can make literally anything, and I know someone who can European Union Smash your sorry hold on this ass-backwards town with his little finger. They’re out of your grasp forever, and finally I’ll have someone strong enough to freaking fight me.”

Hawkmoth almost ripped the butterfly back with rage. Artistic integrity demanded quality materials. But then he thought about it. Even though this young man had every hallmark of the worst idea of his life, the night was young, and he needed a win. He had some degree of control over his Akumas, after all, and maybe a little bloodthirst, a lot of rage, and a bottomless well of ambition was what he needed to finally bring this nightmare to a close.

NO ADDITIONAL FIREPOWER UNLESS YOU DRAW ON IT, THEN, he said. THE BUTTERFLY FOR OBSERVATION AND COMMUNICATION PURPOSES ONLY, AND THE BARGAIN IS STRUCK.

The young man barked laughter, as a purple mask formed over his red eyes. Gauntlets like grenades formed over his right arm, but he moved as if he was more comfortable with it than without. “And one more thing, Hawkass. The name’s Bakugou.”

 

* * *

 

Ladybug had absolutely no idea where Hawkmoth had gotten this Akuma, or what had gone wrong in the young man’s life to make him this upset, but if the sheer caliber of devastation he was wreaking was any indication, he was having a rougher day than she was. The rooftop she landed on was a patchwork of rubble, but not as much as the ground below. Most of it had probably come from the ruins that used to be the school, but buildings were on fire for several blocks, tracing the path of the Akuma. The air was thick with smoke and heat and sirens. And the Akuma himself was snarling like a rabid beast, with fire-red eyes.

“I take it back, Tikki,” she muttered under her breath, “Preventative is always better.”

As scary as the Akuma was, the media were worse. TVi was out in force, with cameras and reporters everywhere, swarming the streets. Random civilians had their phones out, taking pictures and video and shouting. Ladybug was certain that Alya was somewhere in the crowd, but the Akuma saw her before she could see Alya, and sent something bright, hot, and fast her way.

Chat Noir hit her from the side, knocking her to safety and singeing his tail. “If you’re going to get blown away by anything tonight, My Lady,” he said, helping her up, and being weirdly careful not to touch her any more than he had to. “I would rather it be by my charm and not some newcomer exploding into the scene.”

“Can we do this some other time?” she replied, finding cover and gesturing that he should do the same. “This Akuma is coming in hot. I don’t know if my yo-yo or your baton will be able to deflect one of those bombs, and I’d really rather not be wrong.”

“I can do this all day, I’m having a blast.”

“Will you two stop freaking flirting and fight me already? All you’ve done is dodge. You’re toying with me,” ranted the Akuma, sending a massive explosion over the heads of the amassed spectators. The reporters continued to relentlessly shout their questions, visibly riling up the Akuma.

“We have to do something about all of the people!” Chat Noir shouted above the noise.

“He doesn’t look like he’s targeting them, just us!” Ladybug responded.

“A short-fused psychopathic murder monster with _honor_ ,” said Chat Noir, with disgust. “I’ve definitely never seen that C4. Let’s end this fight as soon as possible, then. What do you think? The gauntlet?”

“Probably. Lucky Charm!”

In possibly the least threatening Lucky Charm the magic had ever sent her, a Chinese finger trap fell from the sky.

“Okay,” said Ladybug flatly. “We’re going to die.”

“We’re not going to die,” Chat Noir said, and if not for the gigantic fireball passing overhead when he said it, she might have believed him. He grabbed her shoulders and gave them a quick squeeze of support. “Even if you can’t figure it out now, you probably cannon a minute. And with a mine like yours, I’m sure it’ll be dynamite.”

Nadya Chamack’s voice, amplified by a megaphone, cut through the chaos, horrifyingly clear.

“Ladybug! What are your opinions about spaying or neutering your pets?”

Chat Noir froze.

Ladybug turned to Nadya Chamack, shocked. “In what world is that at all appropriate? He’s, what, fifteen? Chat, what’s going on?”

The Akuma collapsed the building they stood on, and they fell.

 

 

* * *

 

 

For a moment, nobody moved.

“Don’t be bemused, it’s just the news. I’m Nadya Chamack reporting live from the ruins of Collège Françoise Dupont, where Ladybug and Chat Noir have been battling an Akuma with explosion-based powers and some unknown grudge. Let’s take a closer look.”

Nadya sent a meaningful glance to her cameraman, who approached the Akuma gingerly.

“What the hell, lady! You just interviewed that girl about her boyfriend’s manhood when he was RIGHT THERE, that’s freaking sick! And you, butterfly asshole!  I’m not the freaking psychopath here! You’re insane, Hawkass! Get the heck out of my head. I’m not a freaking murderer, and these aren’t freaking superheroes, they’re circus acrobats. Why didn’t they freaking hit me? All they did was dodge! And why can’t they take a hit? That wasn’t even that big of a building, and now they’re dead and the League of Villains is never going to leave me alone! I don’t want any part of this, make it not have happened-”

“Okay.”

The cameraman swung around rapidly, catching Ladybug slamming the Chinese finger trap onto Bakugou’s pointing, accusatory finger, then the other end into the hand inside the grenade gauntlet. She dove for cover. On reflex, the Akuma pulled to free himself, and the gauntlet exploded.

“Gotcha!” Ladybug cried, catching the Akuma. With a “Bye, bye, little butterfly,” it was released into the dusty, war-torn sky.

“Well, that plan blew up in Hawkmoth’s face,” Chat Noir said, entering the field of view, dusting his black leather off as much as he could. “I’m really glad that you managed to dis-arm that Akuma in time.”

“We need to talk.”

TVi now had conclusive proof that Chat Noir’s tail could not, in fact, poof out in panic.

“Um, I just Cataclysmed probably a hundred thousand cubic meters of concrete literally as we fell several dozen stories, my ring is beeping faster than I’ve ever seen it, and so are your earrings and you care a lot about identities so call me byeeeeee-”

And that’s how TVi caught exclusive video confirmation that Chat Noir could be scruffed. Ladybug threw the finger trap to the sky, shouting a “Miraculous Ladybug!” that cleared the dust, debris, and smoke. By the time it all cleared, the heroes were gone.

“Um,” said the red-eyed, blond young man who had now visibly relaxed and was slightly blushing. “I want to go back to Japan.”


	6. The Reveal

After a lifetime of practice, Marinette “The Luckiest” Dupain-Cheng considered herself a subject matter expert at damage control, but this was just excessive.

She owed a retroactive apology to Arsonal, she thought with a worrisome degree of detachment as she surveyed the damage. An Akuma from someone who had clearly been playing too much Call of Duty wreaked plenty of devastation, but the truly apocalyptic damage of the evening had been happening on the Ladyblog. Someone had clearly hacked Alya’s admin account to post the most flagrant violation of the Terms Of Service she had ever seen, and mock both Alya and Rena Rouge by adding the “approved fanfiction” foxtail at the bottom.

It had been about 24 hours since The Fanfic That Crashed The Ladyblog went live. It had gone viral around the globe. There were hundreds of thousands of comments, likes, shares. Despite repeated denials that they were in any way involved, Marc and Nathaniel’s donations page had also crashed. There were spinoff fanfics. There was fan art. A porn was in the works. Someone named Wayhem has started a petition to get Adrien Agreste to do the acting for Chat Gris, and they can hire a stunt double for most of the sexy bits, and it has gotten enough signatures to force _Gabriel’s_ assistant Nathalie to write a press release stating that under no circumstances will this happen and the more people clamor for it the less _Gabriel_ will allow Adrien to associate himself with Chat Noir at all, starting with redacting all existing Adrien/Chat Noir works for being too far from current branding of “Radiant, Carefree, Dreamy”. Marinette was both profoundly turned on and appalled at the same time.

But the fastest-accelerating Cataclysm was probably Chat Noir’s brain.

She had dragged him to the first place she could think of that was both visually private but had no communication barriers, and the closest was the confessionals at Notre Dame. She was in one booth, and the boy who could become Chat Noir was in the other. Her transformation had expired shortly after she had closed her door, and so had his. Tikki had been reading with her. According to the shadow on the inner wall of the confessional, he was probably cat-atonic with stress.

“Okay,” Marinette said, “I’m ready. Tikki, Plagg, can you give us some privacy?”

“I… don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Tikki said, as tactfully as she could.”

“I need supurrvision,” said the boy who could become Chat Noir miserably.

“No,” Tikki insisted. “It’s because if you two lose to Hawkmoth because a PR disaster got into your heads, that would be stupid.” Her gigantic blue eyes, ordinarily so adorable, had a steely glint to them now. It was suddenly very clear to Marinette that Tikki was fourteen billion years old.

“Fine,” Marinette said. “Go stand watch in the Cathedral. If there’s a butterfly or an Akuma, you’ll be close enough to call. But this conversation really has to be private. Is that okay?”

“That should work,” said Plagg. “Come on, spots, let’s leave them alone.”

Tikki looked intently at Marinette, then nodded and phased through the confessional.

They waited a moment.

“My Lady, I’m so, so sorry.” He sounded broken.

“Did you write it?

“No!”

“Okay, then you have nothing to be sorry for. And I know you didn’t, because if you did, you wouldn’t be sorry.”

“I do, though. They’re not getting this out of nowhere. I’m coming on much too strong. You’ve told me time and time again that you don’t feel about me how I feel about you, and that’s fine, you don’t owe it to me, but I can’t not feel that way and I can’t not tell you how I feel, and apparently it’s driving me insane enough that the whole city has caught on to it and so has Hawkmoth and that makes me dangerous.”

“Wait,” Marinette said, dumbstruck. “Was that serious?”

“Ladybug,” the boy who could become Chat Noir said, “We are in a confessional. That’s not even a pun. That’s just using the thing for what it’s for.”

“Chat, please, please don’t joke about that. Not today.”

“My Lady, I have never been joking about it. Especially not today. You are SO smart, how are you literally the last person in the world to know that I love you?”

“Wait, I need a minute to process this.”

“I love you. And you don’t have to love me back, that’s _fine”_ \- his voice broke, he was fifteen- “it’s wrong of me to ask you to if you don’t. But it makes me dangerous. An Akuma came for me this afternoon, my Lady, and it was coming for my _privates_ , Hawkmoth knows exactly what kind of Akuma I would be and I don’t know if he would’ve, I have to resolve this before it makes me dangerous because I would not be able to stand hurting you, let alone hurting you like that, it’s bad enough when it’s Dark Cupid or the Puppeteer or Malediktator because if it happens like this it happens because of _me-”_

“It’s never your fault when an Akuma comes for you, Adrien,” she said, softly.

 

* * *

 

He shut up. Oh no. Oh no no no no no. It was officially time to give the ring back to Master Fu, run away with Marinette, try to build a life with her and learn to be happy like that, because right when he thought it was not possible to love Ladybug more, she proved him wrong and he would never have the courage to face her again. If he thought his love for her made him dangerous before, her forgiveness outclassed everything, and she wasn’t transformed, now, she wouldn’t be able to save him this time.

He ran.

“Stop!”

He stopped. God, she had told him to jump off a skyscraper, how many times now? And he did it. He had put himself in mortal danger at her request so often it was muscle memory by now. With a command as simple as “Stop,” he stood no chance at not stopping.

He was undone.

And, unthinking, he turned to face Marinette.


	7. The Birth Control

“Okay, this is never not going to be funny.”

“What was that you said about using humor to diffuse uncomfortable situations?” he teased, as Chat Gris adjusted the red and black polka dotted mask over Mr. Bug's face.

“I said I was impressed that you could, in fact, be funny.”

“My Lady,” he whined. “You have to stay in character when you’re _pun_ ishing me. It ruins it.”

She kissed his forehead. “I said I would be in character when I didn’t mean it.”

From a corner, Plagg sighed heavily. “Do I seriously have to be here? This is going to ruin my appetite.”

“We go through this every time, Plagg,” Tikki said from the other room. “When they’re ready to meet Emma, it’s my turn in there in the room with them. But until they are, it’s my turn to watch for Akumas and your turn to make sure she doesn’t get born before they’re ready.”

“She won’t get born if they don’t get gross!"

"What's that safe word again?"

"Moist!" Plagg shouted, trying to kill the mood. "Gusset! Flange! Swordfish! Kumquat!”

“Ladyblog,” Adrien breathed, and trembled, thoroughly ignoring Plagg. They hadn’t even started yet, but they were about to, and this was not at all how he had expected any of this to turn out but it was happening and if, when she finally did thwack his bottom with the prop replica of his baton, and he woke up, he was going to write down every detail before awakeness stole them away.

“Test your wrists for me,” Marinette said, and he wriggled them, but the prop yo-yo string did not budge. He nodded.

“Open your mouth,” she said, and when he complied, she wedged the yo-yo in as far as would comfortably fit. His heart sped up.

Three blocks away, someone screamed. Marinette swore, and Adrien’s eyes went wide.

“Ifff uhhhh Unfummmummmm!””

She stepped forward, raising her arms as if to untie him. And then she paused, and thought. “What was that, Mr. Bug? I didn’t quite understand you.”

He looked murder at her.

“I’m sorry, I would love to _chat,_ she said sweetly, “but duty calls.” She put on the earrings from the dresser, then scritched Plagg gently behind the ears. “Can you just hang out here for a bit? I’m sure Paris will understand that you’re a little tied up at the moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Wehhh!”

“Chaton, don’t be silly,” she said, as she slipped off his ring and replaced it to his finger. “You can always transform and join me if you like. You might have to ask Plagg for some help to say your transformation command, but he’s always ready for a fight, right?”

She went to the door, opened it. “Tikki, did you hear that?”

“Are you guys ready to go?” she asked, surprised. “I would have thought it would take a minute more to untie him.”

“EEEE-EEEE! ELLLLLP!” Mr. Bug cried from the middle of the room, but it was too late.

“ _Tikki, Spots on!”_

A very leathery, gray catsuit transformed into red and black spandex, and suddenly Chat Gris was his Bugaboo again. She blew him a kiss, and swung out the window.

And a very handsome boy wearing only a red and black polka dotted speedo and a mask hung from the ceiling of a very pink bedroom and dealt with his feelings while his Kwami cackled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAT NOIR IS NOT YOUR DOM.
> 
> Special thanks to my beta reader (uncertain if they want me to announce who they are) for helping me break my obnoxiously long writer's block with this utter crack fic.
> 
> Nathalie is the MVP in this story; it could have gone SO MUCH WORSE without her.
> 
> Also, I just realized that Marinette and Adrien don't even kiss.


End file.
